


Mayday

by purplemonster



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-24 00:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8348596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplemonster/pseuds/purplemonster
Summary: Jaebum wonders if finding Jinyoung was a lost cause after all.(pls see https://youtu.be/tEbXBBYmHWQ)





	

Jaebum would always imagine the day he’d find Jinyoung.

He’d imagine the feel of relief washing over him like a tidal wave when they’d meet. He’d pull Jinyoung to him, wrap his arms around him and hold him close, whisper a million apologies in his ear and tell him he regretted everything. Those words, those lies. Jaebum will tell him how much of an idiot he was for all those things he said and how he allowed for it to happen.

Jinyoung will then forgive him. He’ll come back to him, hit him if he must, and then kiss him, like he always used to kiss Jaebum, slow and languid, and filled with intent. And Jaebum will melt at his touch, because he knows no matter how long it’s been, it has always been Jinyoung who is capable of ripping him apart and putting him back whole again.

But it doesn’t happen. It never happens.

The day he found Jinyoung, Jaebum never got to hold him in his arms and kiss him. Jaebum never got to apologize for all the things he last said.

Because the day Jaebum found him, Jinyoung doesn’t remember him at all.

 

 

 

Amnesia. Jinyoung has amnesia. And Jaebum felt like life was playing this huge cliched joke on him when he found out.

He was fine with looking like an idiot when he spotted him across that art exhibit and rushed to him when the crowd cleared. Jinyoung stood there, hair longer than the last time he saw him three years ago. He doesn’t look like he aged one bit. He’s still handsome and beautiful, a bit matured in his grey pressed suit. But to him, he’s still the Jinyoung that Jaebum shared his compositions with, shared sleepless nights with talking about his dreams of filling the world with his songs.

Jinyoung who he loved and still loves, and someone Jaebum was always so sure loved him back.

He would take looking like an idiot any day than Jinyoung stepping back from him with an expression of fear on his face when Jaebum grabbed his hand.

“Who are you?” He had said. “Let go of me.”

And Jaebum felt like Jinyoung slapped him a thousand times over when he said he didn’t know him and that he’ll have security throw him out if he didn’t back away from him.

Amnesia. That’s what Jinyoung’s manager said.

“He’s had it for three years.” Mark explained when Jaebum stayed around because he wouldn’t leave, not until he got answers. He could still taste the bile in his throat and the way his stomach plummeted when this Mark Tuan told him. They’re standing across the car from where Jinyoung is sitting inside. He refused to go out and talk to the _lunatic_ that is Jaebum.

“I’m sorry you only found out today. We couldn’t get a hold of anyone close to him after the accident. There was nothing in his belongings for us to call while he was at the hospital.”

Of course there was no one. Jinyoung only had Jaebum. And Jaebum was the biggest fuck up for pushing him away.

Jaebum stares at the sedan with its tinted windows, wondering if Jinyoung is looking back or if a single memory of him exists deep inside him. He looked scared earlier. And as much as this whole thing breaks Jaebum’s heart, he’d rather Jinyoung wasn’t scared of him at all.

“Is there any way for me to meet him again?” Jaebum asks. Mark checks his phone. If Mark ever notices Jaebum’s voice cracking around the edges, he doesn’t ask about it.

“The exhibit runs for two more days and then he’s free. I’ll have to set up an appointment with him-”

“Please.” Jaebum has never begged at anyone before. “Please. I have to see him again. Tell him I’m an old friend. Tell him he knows me. Tell him I have to meet him again.”

Mark could only nod. No promises, he said. He’ll try his best, he added, as he and Jaebum exchanged phone numbers.

Jaebum keeps his eyes at the back of that sedan, wishing that Jinyoung would at least roll the windows down so he can look at him before he leaves.

But the only thing staring back at Jaebum is his reflection, his face filled with guilt and regrets, and he has no one to blame for all this but himself.

 

 

 

Jaebum still remembers the accident.

He remembers seeing it on the news. He remembers arriving immediately at the scene right after. The wreckage. The amount of bodies scattered on the road. Jaebum searched for Jinyoung’s name in the list of casualties and going to the hospital where most of the survivors were sent to.

He never found him.

Jaebum’s parents told him after a year to give it up. “Stop looking for the dead,” they said. But Jaebum didn’t believe them. He dropped everything and went to Seoul. Because that’s where Jinyoung was headed to in the first place.

“Come with me,” Jinyoung had said to him in bed, a week before he left. A week before Jaebum decided to break things off with him. “Come with me, hyung. We can make music together. You can write your songs for real this time. I’ll sing them for you.” Jinyoung looked so beautiful in the dim light of his room, dressed in Jaebum’s favorite shirt. Jaebum still remembers him smiling as he rested his cheek against the pillows. “Or we’ll sing them. Together.”

And Jaebum only looked at him, his heart already aching at the thought of how much he’s still scared of things and that Jinyoung deserves someone better than him. Someone who wasn’t so afraid of the world all the time.

Jaebum should’ve said yes. He should’ve just gone to Seoul with him. 

He only went to Seoul after the accident. He stayed there for three years looking for Jinyoung. 

But he’d never realize that the Jinyoung he so desperately wanted to find would never even remember him. 

 

 

 

Mark Tuan never called him. So Jaebum did. Every single day.

It was one reason after another. Jinyoung was busy. Jinyoung had another schedule. Jinyoung was not taking any appointments at the moment. Until Jaebum finally asked for the truth.

“He doesn’t want to see you.” Mark sighed over the phone. “I’m sorry, Im Jaebum-ssi. But first impressions last and I guess you scared him. He doesn’t believe you know him at all.”

But Jaebum was adamant to meet Jinyoung again. 

“What does he want to know? Tell him I’ll answer everything.” Jaebum swallows hard at that. “He must want to know something.”

Mark calls him after three days.

“He said he’ll see you tomorrow, Im Jaebum-ssi.”

The Jinyoung he sees the next day is a stark contrast to the Jinyoung he knew back then. This Jinyoung was stiff. He has on a black suit and his hair is styled immaculately. Everything of him is too neat. There’s not a crease in his clothes, not a speck of dirt on his suit and a strand of hair out of place. He doesn’t look like the Jinyoung that Jaebum grew up with, careless and free, not caring what he wore, whether they be his clothes or Jaebum’s oversized shirts.

And his eyes. His eyes leave piercing gazes on Jaebum, still accusing him of how things went the first time they met.

But this Jinyoung still made Jaebum’s heart beat and flutter. Because this Jinyoung is still beautiful, like a piece of artwork, and Jaebum is left weak.

“Where do I live?” Jinyoung asks the moment Jaebum takes his seat in front of him at a fine dining restaurant they agreed to meet up. The whole place reeked of fancy overpriced meals. The Jinyoung he knew didn’t like places like these.

Jaebum also noticed he got right down to business. No greetings. No hellos. It wasn’t even a question. It was more of a demand.

“You live in Jinhae-gu.” Jaebum replies.

“When is my birthday?”

“September 22, 1994.”

“Do I have a family?”

Jaebum pauses for a moment before replying.

_I was your family._

“You grew up in an orphanage.” Jaebum answers. This doesn’t seem to faze Jinyoung.

“Is my real name Park Jinyoung?”

Jaebum nods.

Jinyoung taps his fingers on the table.

“Thank you for answering my questions. That’s all I needed to know.”

Jinyoung stands to leave, his movements quick, but Jaebum is faster. He stands up and steps in his direction, so he can stop him from leaving him again. So Jaebum can look at him up close and show him he’s not going anywhere until he gets his own answers too.

Up close like this, Jaebum wants to do things to him. The need to bury his face in Jinyoung’s neck and just cry his heart out. He can’t breathe. He missed him. So _so_ much. And Jaebum is so sorry for ever letting him go.

“Please step aside.” Jinyoung says. He doesn’t look scared unlike that day at the art exhibit. If anything else, he looks like he’s challenging Jaebum, and Jaebum is willing to be challenged.

Anything just to get a few more minutes with him. Minutes compared to the three years they’ve been apart.

“I want to talk.” Jaebum says quietly. The restaurant is a formal one and it’s obvious that Jinyoung doesn’t want to make a scene. But Jaebum does notice the way his eyes dart towards the exits and he feels a pang in his chest to know that Jinyoung is eager to leave.

To his surprise, Jinyoung steps back, letting Jaebum breathe, and plops himself down on his seat.

“Go on. You have five minutes.” He says, leaning back and crossing his arms in front of him.

“Why are you running away from me?” Jaebum starts.

“You’re a stranger to me. Of course I’d run away from you.”

“Jinyoung, it’s me. Jaebum.”

Jinyoung only blinks at him. “And that’s supposed to mean something?”

Jaebum wants to grab him and shake him awake.

“We were friends. We went to the same school -”

“Is that all?”

Jaebum opens his mouth to say that it’s not. There were a million other things. Jinyoung was the one who told him he should write songs for a living. He’s the one who sang most of it out loud because Jaebum wasn’t confident enough to do so himself. Jinyoung was the one who kissed him one sunset, telling him he got tired of waiting for Jaebum to kiss him first. Jinyoung taught him how to hold him in his arms, taught him that anything, no matter how simple it is, can be put into a song, taught him what it felt like to love someone so much that Jaebum’s heart felt like it would break from all that it carried.

And Jinyoung once told him he loved him back too. That’s got to mean something at the very least.

But Jaebum can’t say it. Because this person doesn’t even know him at all.

Jinyoung leans towards him. “If that’s all, then I think we’re done here.”

Jaebum has no choice but to let him go.

But Jinyoung does stop before he can leave to look over his shoulder and ask him a question.

“Who were you to me, Im Jaebum-ssi?”

_I was the one that pushed you away. I was the one who told you I needed to see other people. I was the one that broke your heart. And I’m sorry, Jinyoung. I’m so sorry._

“A friend.” Jaebum says, his voice coming out small.

Jinyoung turns his back to him.

“Thank you for your time.”

Jaebum watches him leave, wondering if finding Jinyoung was a lost cause after all.

 

 

 

They broke up because Jaebum was scared.

For years, all Jaebum wanted to do was write songs. He’d write down all the words in his head, all his thoughts, all his emotions. He’d carve them down on his desk table and in the small table napkins he has while he’s having lunch. He’d write them all down in his small notebook he carries. All his compositions that he was scared that the world would see.

Jinyoung found them one day. Jaebum had accidentally dropped his notebook at the library in a hurry to head home. He had fallen asleep and realized he promised his mother he would be home early. But the sky outside the library’s windows were dark when he woke up.

Jaebum looked everywhere for his notebook, panic and fear overwhelming him throughout the weekend. He nearly yelled at Jinyoung when he handed it back to him on Monday morning, thinking he stole it.

“It’s sad, by the way.” Jinyoung said to him after he handed him back the notebook. Jaebum was about to throw a fit because this kid read his innermost thoughts.

“I had to open it. I had to know who it belonged to so I could return it.” Jinyoung explained as if knowing what Jaebum felt at that moment, looking at him with those eyes that Jaebum held himself back from lashing out on him because he looked sincere. “There were already words on the first page and they were sad. Beautiful, but sad. Did you write them?”

Jaebum could only muster out a small thanks, grab his notebook from Jinyoung and run.

Their paths crossed a month later when Jinyoung was waiting by his lockers one afternoon. Jaebum didn’t know how he found out where his locker was. He was holding out something as Jaebum approached. They were entry forms for students willing to submit literary pieces for the school paper.

“You can send them in anonymously,” He shrugged, handing the forms to Jaebum. “No one has to know.”

Jinyoung was constantly there, waiting for him by his lockers, checking out books for him that Jaebum hadn’t read before from the library. His lockers were filled with mixed tapes and foreign songs with translations, all wedged into the small opening. And Jaebum was exposed to so many words, so many lyrics, so many feelings.

“Why are you doing this?” Jaebum had asked Jinyoung one day when he catches him dropping a folder filled with compilations of poetry Jinyoung borrowed from the library again.

“Because you like these things, don’t you?” Jinyoung just simply smiled at him. And Jaebum’s heart did some strange somersaults he wasn’t familiar with at that time.

It was a slow build from infatuation that eventually grew to love. Jaebum was just slow at picking up the signs.

Jinyoung made it so easy for him to fall and stay in love. Jaebum thought of him as this warm ball of sun he’d want to keep in his palms forever. Jinyoung made him laugh and smile and write songs he didn’t know he had in him. Jinyoung sang them with his voice that melted his insides, even if he sang them out of tune on purpose sometimes just for fun. Jaebum would laugh so hard at his antics. Jinyoung was sassy and loved making witty jokes. But he also gave such wise words whenever Jaebum needed them.

Jinyoung was his first love and Jaebum knew he was never going to find another one.

But he was scared. He was always scared of things. He had no confidence in himself. And that was always his problem. He was scared of the criticisms he’d face one day over his compositions. Jinyoung was the only one who knew and he was the only one Jaebum trusted to critic his work. Jaebum knew it wasn’t healthy. To be so afraid all the time. Jinyoung told him it was okay to receive comments. That he should let other people know what he writes too. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, he had said. Jaebum could take his time. But it would be such a waste of his talents if Jaebum kept it hidden. Jinyoung believed in him so much and Jaebum was so scared of disappointing him and what others would say.

Jinyoung was also talented. He loved to write too. He wasn’t as scared as Jaebum was. He wrote pieces, poetry, lyrics, short stories, everything. He was offered a job in Seoul right after university that involved studying literature and Jaebum knew then that this was it. This was the thing that was going to break them up. Because long distance relationships never worked and Jaebum was too scared to move to Seoul.

“You can get a job at one of those major entertainment companies,” Jinyoung told him. “They could use songs like yours. The music scene sounds so boring with the same old repetitive words. You’d give them something refreshing, hyung.”

Jinyoung would always talk about Seoul. He talked about the city like it was the most amazing place. Compared to the small town they lived in, Jaebum knew his words held some truth in them.

But Jaebum always changed the subject. He always ignored them.

Until Jinyoung finally told him one day that he decided he would really go to Seoul. It was a huge opportunity for him. Something different than the old town they lived. Besides, Jinyoung never had a family. Growing up in an orphanage made him carefree with no parents to tell him what to do. Jinyoung could do anything he wanted.

“Come with me,” Jinyoung told him as they sat by their favorite place overlooking the sea. This was where they first kissed and held most of their private and intimate moments together. Jaebum hates that he was going to destroy those memories.

“I can’t.” Jaebum answered with a heavy heart.

“Hyung, you don’t have to be so afraid.”

“I’m not.” Jaebum lied. “It’s not about moving to Seoul.”

“Then what is it, hyung?”

“I don’t think I’m ready to write songs, Jinyoung-ah.”

Jinyoung looked at him like he couldn’t believe what he just heard.

“What are you talking about? Your compositions aren’t anything I’ve ever read or heard before. You write about love so well-”

“Love? What do I know of love when I’ve only experienced it with one person?”

Jaebum could still taste the regret on his lips when he said that. He hadn’t dared look at Jinyoung so as not see the confusion and hurt on his face.

“Hyung…”

“If I were to write songs about love, shouldn’t I be seeing a lot of people then?”

“Hyung… What are you trying to say?”

It was only then that Jaebum mustered up the courage to look at him. And he made sure there was nothing but a determined look on his face.

“We should end this, don’t you think?” Jaebum gives him a smile, swallowing down the feeling of his heart breaking into a tiny million pieces when Jinyoung only looks back at him in disbelief. “You were my first, Jinyoung-ah. But I think I’m ready for a second one now. 

Jaebum had to force himself to look unfazed as Jinyoung demanded if he was just playing him all along. Jaebum had to force the “yes” out of his mouth to answer him. Jaebum had to force his legs not to run and his arms not to reach out and pull Jinyoung back as he left. He held himself back from apologizing for all those things he said.

Jinyoung left for Seoul without saying goodbye. He left because there was nothing, not even Jaebum who he thought was his only family, was left for him in this small town.

Jaebum hurt Jinyoung and did all that because he was too fucking scared. He always thought it was for the best. That he made the right decision.

But it never was. Jinyoung was everything to him.

And Jaebum lost him. 

 

 

 

“So that’s it? You’re giving up?”

If Jaebum could avoid this conversation, he would. But Jackson won’t start recording and Youngjae won’t sing either if they don’t pry all the details out of him. That’s what friends are for, Jaebum guesses.

“I’m not giving up.” Jaebum mutters, staring at all the buttons in the recording studio as if that was the most interesting thing at the moment. “I’m ending it.”

“Don’t be so overdramatic,” Jackson slaps his shoulder. “You just found him!”

Youngjae nods inside the recording booth. “Yeah, hyung. You’ve been looking for him for three years. Something like an amnesia shouldn’t stop you from getting him back.”

This is what happens when Jaebum allowed himself to have friends. When he went to Seoul to look for Jinyoung, he had no choice but to work and earn for a living. So he did what he was scared of doing. He went to a couple of entertainment companies and applied as a songwriter. It took awhile for him to decide on it and muster up the courage to do it. But once he did, he never looked back. His songs were instant hits among the public, something he was surprised with. And by now, Jaebum’s songs were on the top of the charts.

Just that no one actually knows who Jaebum is. Everyone knows Defsoul and how his lyrics always contain such artistic views on life and love. But no one knows the face behind the name. Jaebum might have stepped up and did what Jinyoung told him to do, embrace his fears, but a part of Jaebum will always remain scared.

Defsoul was his security blanket.

He’s hopped from one entertainment company to the next. Until JYP took him in and he’s been with them for a year. At the moment, he’s composing for a solo artist Choi Youngjae. Jackson is his manager but a friend of Jaebum’s ever since he started working for the company. Jaebum always shut himself out from people, but surprisingly, Jackson and Youngjae were persistent and fun and comfortable to be around with.

They’re the only ones who know he’s looking for Jinyoung. Jaebum didn’t have to tell them. They figured it out themselves. They knew Jaebum was hung up about someone for so long. They didn’t manage to get a name until Jaebum accidentally told them one drunken night.

“He doesn’t remember me. Don’t you think that’s enough of a reason to leave things as it is?”

Jackson makes a face. “Hyung, that’s unfair. To you.”

Jaebum shrugs. “I don’t mind.”

“Of course you do.” Youngjae answers. He still has his headphones around his neck. “Give it another chance.”

“I did.” Jaebum replies. “And it didn’t go well. It didn’t feel like he wanted to remember things from his past anyway.” Jaebum grabs his headphones to start the recording. “Can we just drop it? We’re way behind schedule.”

Jaebum sees Youngjae and Jackson exchange worried glances and he sighs.

“I appreciate the concern. Really. But I’m telling you guys, it’s done. If I’m really meant to do something about it, I’ll see him again. But right now-”

A knock on their studio door sounds and they all turn to see Bambam, Youngjae’s PR and Marketing manager, pop his head in.

“Hey. I hope I’m not interrupting something. I noticed the recording light wasn’t on and I kind of need you three in the conference room.”

Jaebum is grateful for Bambam’s intrusion. He wants to avoid talking about finding Jinyoung. He wants to avoid any kind of talk that involves Jinyoung because the slightest mention of him feels like he can’t breathe all over again.

The gratitude Jaebum felt for Bambam calling them away is short lived though when Jaebum enters the conference room and sees Jinyoung with Mark sitting there.

“Im Jaebum-ssi?” Mark is the first one to speak, looking surprised to see him. Jinyoung is sporting the same look too.

Bambam motions for all of them to take a seat. “Park Jinyoung-ssi, meet Youngjae’s songwriter Im Jaebum. You’ll be working with him for the album designs.”

Jaebum knows Youngjae’s jaw had dropped at the mention of Jinyoung’s name and Jackson’s eyebrows have disappeared underneath his hairline.

It was Bambam’s idea to get Park Jinyoung’s artworks in Youngjae’s album. Defsoul’s lyrics were artistic and beautiful. Youngjae’s voice which was pure and filled with emotion matched it so well. Bambam wanted the whole album to be as artistic as the songs and he wants it conveyed through the album art. And who better to do it than Seoul’s up and coming artist and painter?

Jaebum didn’t know how the rest of that meeting went. All of it was a blur. He was too busy trying to wrap his head around this new project and at the thought of seeing Jinyoung again.

Mark asked Jaebum for a quick word after the meeting ended. It was only the three of them. Jackson had eyed him worriedly but Jaebum just motioned for him to go on without him.

“This won’t be a problem, will it?” Mark asks, looking at Jinyoung and Jaebum. Jinyoung isn’t staring at Jaebum but rather at the carpet floor. Jaebum didn’t mind that at all.

“We’re all professionals here, aren’t we?” Mark asks. Jaebum swallows and nods. Jinyoung doesn’t make a fuss about it.

They leave as soon as the meeting ended, with their schedule for the next few weeks set with Jaebum visiting Jinyoung’s studio.

“Give it another chance, hyung.” Jackson tells Jaebum again that night. “Didn’t you say earlier that if you’ll see him again, you’re meant to do something about it?”

Should he? Jaebum wonders throughout that night and eventually loses sleep over it.

 

 

 

Jinyoung’s studio is also his apartment. 

Jaebum meets him right on schedule. His roommate, a tall college kid named Yugyeom, greeted him at the door.

“Jinyoungie hyung! Your appointment’s here!”

Yugyeom had to leave right after. Dance practice, he says before flashing Jaebum a smile, leaves him at the living room and darts off.

Jinyoung’s apartment is grey and white and it’s a cross between clean and messy. There aren’t any paint canvas lying around which leads Jaebum to think that his studio is somewhere inside. His apartment looks like what a home should look like and Jaebum is left to his thoughts, wondering if he had followed him to Seoul three years ago, would their apartment look like this too?

Jinyoung emerges from the stairs shortly. He’s dressed in a dark blue cardigan, a simple black shirt and jeans. He doesn’t have his hair brushed back, but his fringe long and sweeping to one side. Jaebum is once again mesmerized at how beautiful he looks. He wants to wrap his arms around him and bury his face in his hair. Just like how he’d pull him on the couch when Jinyoung goes about his house like it was his too. Jinyoung would settle himself in his hold and laugh, letting Jaebum do whatever he wants with him because his parents are out, until Jinyoung’s patience has run out and he’s the one tugging at Jaebum to _hurry up._

But he squashes all thought of having Jinyoung in his life again when he doesn’t deserve someone he pushed away once.

They work as professionally as possible. Jinyoung got right down to business, reading through Jaebum’s lyrics for Youngjae and how to go about the whole album design.

“I have to say, your lyrics are sad, Im Jaebum-ssi.”

Jaebum feels his stomach clench at how familiar those words are. Jinyoung told him the exact thing the first time they met.

“Please, call me Jaebum.”

“No, I’d rather we stick with formalities.” Jinyoung doesn’t hesitate to say. Jaebum looks at him.

“I told you we were friends once. Do you still not believe that?”

Jinyoung just closes his laptop. “I think we’re done here for today.”

“Jinyoung,”

“It’s Park Jinyoung-ssi to you.”

Jaebum’s jaw tightens. What had Jaebum done to this new Jinyoung for the man to treat him like this?

“We said to keep things professional, Im Jaebum-ssi.” Jinyoung says to him. “Are you going against our agreement now?”

Jaebum leaves that night feeling nothing but hatred for this new Jinyoung.

But then again, Jaebum thinks the old Jinyoung would’ve treated him the same way too if Jaebum ever met him again. 

 

 

 

The rest of the weeks felt like hell.

Jaebum would see Jinyoung every single day in his apartment and all they do is fight.

He’s not even sure what sets things off. It just happens everyday. The fights. The arguments. Mark and Jackson even walked in on them yelling at each other once and Jaebum wasn’t even sure what started it. Jackson had to drag Jaebum out of there before it escalated into something else and Mark had to hold Jinyoung back from continuing to shout things at him.

Jinyoung gets on his nerves and he’s not sure why.

It’s exhausting. The yelling. The fights. All Jaebum wanted was to see Jinyoung again. To spend more time with him. But this was turning out to be a bad idea when every little thing sets them off.

“Have you actually tried talking to him?” Jackson asked. “About other things aside from work?”

“He wants to keep it professional. But he doesn’t even think twice about spewing shit in front of my face.” Jaebum replied, not even trying to hide the contempt in his tone.

He and Jinyoung have three more days to go over Youngjae’s album. And as much as Jaebum still has high hopes of getting this new Jinyoung back, he’s ready to finally let go of him.

Not because of the fighting or the arguments. It’s the thought that maybe this Jinyoung was just so different than the old Jinyoung that Jaebum should just give up on ever having him back. He loves Jinyoung. He’ll never stop loving him. But maybe the person he was trying to find was completely gone. 

It just wasn’t meant to be. 

 

 

 

It’s his last day with Jinyoung and Jaebum’s kind of glad it’s ending. 

He can proceed with other things than drowning himself in Jinyoung’s presence. He can actually work on something else that matters. Youngjae’s album is highly anticipated and it’s something he should be looking forward to, not keeping himself hung up over Jinyoung still.

He’s outside Jinyoung’s apartment, dreading another day with him, when he sees the front door ajar. Yugyeom must have forgotten to close it again on his way out. Jaebum makes his way inside, like he does sometimes. Jinyoung’s expecting him around these hours anyway.

He’s been in his apartment for two weeks and Jaebum hasn’t seen Jinyoung’s work area yet. It may be his studio, but all his artworks aren’t seen lying around. Jaebum was always curious about them. He always wondered why this new Jinyoung took up painting. Does a man with amnesia also forget his old talents and pick up new ones? Jinyoung would’ve made a successful novelist. He had wanted to become one too.

Jaebum walks along the hall waiting for Jinyoung, when a certain room catches his eye. He pushes at the door, not even thinking twice about what he’d see, when he realizes he has just stumbled upon Jinyoung’s studio. Cans of used paint and dirty brushes are strewn across the floor. Dozens of canvas were lined along the walls. Jaebum’s hand flicks on the light switch to see better. And when the whole room lights up, Jaebum feels his stomach drop.

He’s staring at himself. The canvas lined along the walls were filled with his face. Jaebum looks at every single one of them in disbelief. Some of them look fresh. Some of them look rather old. But it’s him. 

Jinyoung has been painting him.

“Who told you you could come in here?”

Jaebum turns to see Jinyoung, face livid at having to see Jaebum inside his studio. But Jaebum doesn’t care.

“What are all this?” Jaebum demands. It’s his turn to want answers now.

“That’s none of your business.” Jinyoung says through his teeth.

“It has my face on it.” Jaebum says back at him. “Have you been lying to me all this time? Jinyoung, do you… Do you remember me?”

Just the thought of Jinyoung possibly remembering him makes Jaebum’s heart ache so bad. It’s like a need building up inside of him. He wants Jinyoung back. He wants him to remember him again.

Jinyoung doesn’t answer him. He looks like he’s holding himself back from doing so and Jaebum closes the gap between them in three strides to shake him by the shoulders.

“Jinyoung, do you remember me?” Jaebum demands a second time.

Jinyoung looks up at him and there’s nothing but contempt in his face.

“No. I don’t.”

 _“Goddamnit Jinyoung!_ Stop lying to me-”

Jinyoung slaps his hands away as he glares at him.

_“Why can’t you let me forget you in peace?!”_

Jinyoung’s words feel like he was just punched in the gut.

“What?” Jaebum breathes. “Jinyoung-ah…”

“No.” Jinyoung steps away from him, eyes filled with rage that sends Jaebum’s lungs closing in on him. “No. You have no right to call me that. Do you hear me?”

Jaebum doesn’t back away from him. “Tell me the truth. Do you remember me?”

The laugh Jinyoung makes is hollow. “I wish I hadn’t.” Jinyoung looks at the paintings. “That accident gave me a new life, Jaebum.” He breathes. “I forgot everything. I forgot who I was, who I used to be, why I even got on that bus to Seoul and left in the first place.”

Jaebum feels his insides turn even more as Jinyoung recalls all this.

“I forgot everything except your face.” Jinyoung’s jaw tightens. “Your face was in my head every minute of every damn day and I didn’t know why I wanted you to come find me. I didn’t know you but I wanted you to find me, Jaebum.”

Jaebum’s vision is a blurry mess. Jinyoung is half yelling at him, half sobbing and Jaebum wants to hold him in his arms so badly.

Jinyoung motions to all the paintings of him around them.

“You couldn’t let me live in peace, could you?” Jinyoung looks at him with so much anger and hurt. “I got all my memories back a year ago. And I couldn’t believe that the one person I couldn’t forget was the same one who broke my heart.”

Jaebum can’t breathe. That fateful day he broke up with Jinyoung swims in his vision.

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum says his name like he’s holding on to every last bit of his sanity. “I looked everywhere for you.”

“Liar,” Jinyoung only says in reply.

Jaebum shakes his head as tears stream down his face.

“It’s the truth. I’m here because of you.” Jinyoung only continues to shake his head, “Jinyoung, please. I’m so sorry. I lied. I was never going to look for someone else. It’s always been you.” Jaebum pleads. “I was so scared. I pushed you away because I was so scared.”

Jinyoung doesn’t believe him. Jaebum sinks to the ground on his knees and clutches at the front of Jinyoung’s shirt.

“I’ve missed you every single day.”

“Stop it.” Jinyoung says to him, prying Jaebum’s hands off of him. “Stop it, Jaebum.”

But Jaebum doesn’t let go. He holds on to Jinyoung like a lifeline, because that’s what he is to him.

“I love you. I’ve never stopped.”

“Jaebum-”

“I looked everywhere for you. I missed you so much.”

“Let go of me.”

“I’m so sorry, Jinyoung. Please. I’m so sorry.”

Jinyoung is only shaking his head, sobbing back as Jaebum cries into his shirt, holding on to Jinyoung because _he’s alive_. He remembers him. He’s right here in front of him. And it doesn’t matter if Jinyoung is still angry at him. All he wants is for Jinyoung to know how long he’s been looking for him all this time.

He had been scared of things his whole life. But he realized too late that Jinyoung leaving him was the one thing he should’ve been scared the most.

Jaebum doesn’t know how long he’s been crying and pleading that when hands cup his face, he feels a little disoriented to see Jinyoung up close.

“Jaebum,” He whispers. There are tear tracks on his face as well and Jaebum feels like punching himself for making him cry. “Please let go of me.”

Jaebum shakes his head. “I love you.” His voice comes off desperate.

Jinyoung only looks at the ground and chokes back a sob. “How am I going to believe that after all these years?”

Jaebum looks at him, panicking at the thought of losing Jinyoung again.

He inches closer, this time cupping Jinyoung’s face to look at him. 

“Everything’s better now. Jinyoung, I’m not scared of things anymore.” Jaebum breathes. “I did what you told me. I’m here now. I’ve been here in Seoul for years. I’ve been writing songs. I’ve written a lot of songs-”

“That doesn’t change anything.”

Jaebum blinks up at Jinyoung’s words.

“I can’t be with you.” Jinyoung’s words are simple. But Jaebum has a hard time processing it. “I’m sorry. But you hurt me before.”

He can’t breathe. Jaebum can’t breathe at how true Jinyoung’s words are.

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum swallows. “I’m a different person now. I’m not going to make the same mistakes.”

“I’m sorry.” Jinyoung shakes his head, his tears falling. “But you’re still scared of things.”

“No, I’m not-”

“Yes, you are.” Jinyoung firmly presses. “And as long as you’re scared, I can’t be with you.” Jinyoung looks at the ground. “I’m sorry, hyung.” Jaebum nearly crumbles at the _hyung_ in his tone. “I don’t want to get hurt a second time.”

Jaebum doesn’t know what Jinyoung is talking about but he doesn’t stop pleading at him. He tells Jinyoung he loves him and doesn’t stop apologizing. He’ll treat him better. He won’t push him away. Jinyoung is only shaking his head as he continues to sob. Until Jinyoung is wrenched from his grasp and he looks up to find Yugyeom blocking Jinyoung from him, glaring at him and telling him to get out.

Jaebum didn’t know his heart could be broken twice in his lifetime. He feels so broken that the moment he arrives home, Jaebum cries until he falls asleep. 

 

 

 

He never saw Jinyoung again.

Jaebum went back to his apartment even after Jinyoung was done with Youngjae’s album, but Yugyeom wouldn’t let him in. Yugyeom seemed like a sweet kid when he used to visit. But after that day, Yugyeom would only block the door and stare him down. It didn’t matter if he was years younger than Jaebum. “You’re not going anywhere near Jinyoungie-hyung.” He said to him. His threat was simple and clear.

Jaebum would wait day and night for Jinyoung. He wasn’t going to give up. He was going to stay until Jinyoung will forgive him. He’ll convince him he’s a different person. And he _is_ a different person. The old Jaebum would’ve never gone to Seoul. The old Jaebum would’ve never written songs for anyone else except himself and he definitely wouldn’t have shared them to the world.

For weeks he waited for Jinyoung but it was Yugyeom who told him to go home and never come back because Jinyoung moved out. Jaebum searched frantically for him everywhere. But Seoul was too big and Jinyoung was very good at hiding himself again.

Jackson and Youngjae kept him sane. They didn’t know how to deal with him but they tried. They kept him company since Jaebum always looked like a mess. He _is_ a mess. Jinyoung was his life and Jaebum was the one at fault. He couldn't blame Jinyoung if he didn’t want him back.

Youngjae’s album was released a month after Jinyoung left and it was an instant hit. It was the most played song on the radio and everywhere Jaebum went, he’d hear Youngjae’s beautiful voice singing such emotional words. The album was so successful that it led to concerts all over Seoul and Japan. Youngjae and Jackson dragged Jaebum with them for fun but Jaebum knew they just didn’t want him to be left alone.

Youngjae’s album also won several design awards. Jaebum thinks Jinyoung deserved it. The album was beautiful. It was something new, just like Youngjae’s voice and Youngjae’s songs. Jaebum couldn’t be any more proud of Jinyoung. No matter what life Jinyoung lived, he was still talented.

“There’s a new group debuting under JYP.” Jackson says to him one night when it’s just the two of them in the recording studio. “They’re called DAY6. JYP wants you to work on them.”

Jaebum doesn’t meet Jackson’s eyes. He was planning to leave JYP. It’s time to move on to something else. He’s not sure what, but he has to do something. He hasn’t been writing songs in a while. He’s been helping the other songwriters and composers in the company but he hasn’t written a song since Youngjae released his album. 

“Hyung, you can’t stay like this forever.” Jackson places a hand on his shoulder.

“I know.” Jaebum replies.

“Youngjae may not be here but, I think he’d agree with me if I said you should go back to writing again.”

Jaebum doesn’t think he can do it. He feels stuck. Or rather, he has too many things he wants to convey and writing them into a song just feels like it won’t make sense. He’s lost a friend, an old love. He feels stupid for being the cause of it all. To write something with his heart still broken doesn’t feel right.

“I see the way you look at the others’ works.” Jackson continues. “It’s like you’re holding yourself back from fixing it that suits your own taste. You miss it.”

He does. There are so many words in his head, so many emotions. But all he can write about are sad things and he doesn’t think that’s fair for anyone to sing at all. Especially for a group about to debut.

“Just think about it, hyung.” Jackson stands up and pats his shoulder. “It’ll help.”

Will it? Jaebum wonders all through the night as he sits in that empty recording studio alone. Writing songs wasn’t just something he was good at. It was his friend. He’s taken back to a time when it was just himself during lunch and at the library. Writing made him feel less lonely, like he had a world all to himself and it didn’t matter where he was.

Writing was his saving grace.

Jaebum takes a deep breath. Maybe it’s about time to start again.

It doesn’t take Jaebum another thought for him to finally pick up a pen.

 

 

 

“Third win at Inkigayo today!” Jackson slaps his shoulder and Jaebum makes a show of it by wincing. It was a playful slap and Jackson rolls his eyes at him for overreacting.

“I should congratulate them.” Jaebum looks over Jackson’s shoulder, looking for DAY6. “Where are they?”

“Dressing rooms. Crying. You’d think a third win would’ve made them less emotional by now but they’re all still crying over it. It’s cute.”

Jaebum chuckles. He’s proud of DAY6. Working with them had been a pleasure. Staying with JYP to work on their song was a good decision. It was the first time Jaebum worked with a band rather than a solo artist or a dance group. He likes all forms of music, and DAY6 was definitely something new to add to his list of experiences.

“Let them enjoy their win for now.” Jackson throws his arm around his shoulder. “You’re coming with me and Youngjae for dinner.”

Jaebum’s glad to see Youngjae again. Youngjae’s been busy touring all over the world. His new album was another hit and this time, Youngjae was the one who wrote all his songs. Jaebum and Jackson were so proud of him and they’d always cancel their schedules to meet him whenever he was in Seoul.

Dinner was at a BBQ place they frequented and after so much food, instead of going home to catch up on sleep, the three of them went back to the studio to do what they used to do back then which was just hang out and fool around at the recording booth. Jaebum couldn’t stop laughing at Jackson and Youngjae rapping to whatever they feel like until all their stomachs hurt from laughing and how full they were.

“So I hear Jackson hyung’s handling a girl group next month.” Youngjae whistles after they’re all slumped in the recording studio’s swiveling chairs. “I heard there were nine members.”

Jackson shrugs. “Just as long as Jaebum hyung’s writing their debut song, I’m good.”

Jaebum shakes his head and laugh. “I’m not the only songwriter in this company, Jackson.”

“Yeah but everytime you do a debut song, the luck follows, hyung.”

Youngjae laughs. “I see he’s still not giving you a break.”

“Not once.” Jaebum teases back. He doesn’t mind though. He’s learned a lot from writing different kinds of songs through the years.

“I’ve always been curious, hyung.” Youngjae turns to him. “Have you ever written a song for yourself?” 

“He has.” Jackson answers before Jaebum can change the subject. Jaebum raises an eye at Jackson. “I’ve seen you here past midnight still writing.”

“That was for DAY6.” Jaebum replies.

“I don’t think so.” Jackson gives off a sly smile. “You were humming it to yourself one night and it didn’t sound like DAY6’s new song. That night we just got back from Bam Bam’s place?”

Jaebum didn’t realize he was humming it. He didn’t actually write it for himself. It was more of just a spur of the moment kind of thing. Something reminded him of Jinyoung that night after they left. It was a random thing. Jaebum still always thought of Jinyoung. But the past month had been so busy that there had been a pause. That night just brought old memories back.

He wrote a song that night. He wasn’t even thinking about it. It just flowed right out of his fingers and he hummed the tune he imagined it would accompany. Jaebum must’ve been too preoccupied with it for he didn’t even notice Jackson.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Jackson grins. Jaebum finds he couldn’t even deny it.

Youngjae smiles. “Let’s hear it, hyung!”

Jaebum shakes his head and laughs. “It’s nothing. It was just one of those drafts. It was late. 1:31 in the morning to be exact-”

Jaebum’s words are cut off as Youngjae starts pulling him to the recording booth. Jackson’s no help either when he’s already turning on the system.

“Come on, hyung. It’s only the two of us.” Youngjae whines. Jaebum insists they have it all wrong but his words fall on deaf ears as Youngjae has him fixed with a mic.

It’s strange, but as Jaebum stands there inside the recording booth with the words ready on the tip of his tongue, a sense of want and need fills him. He’s never felt it before. He never tried or dared to do this. He always thought that singing would terrify him. And the thought did. But now that he’s faced with a mic, Jaebum doesn’t feel so scared anymore.

_“You’re still scared of things. And as long as you’re scared, I can’t be with you.”_

Jaebum finally understands what Jinyoung meant back then. Jaebum never really got over his fears because he never tried.And he would have hurt Jinyoung again if he was still stuck, still scared.

With tears welling in his eyes at the thought of missing Jinyoung and wanting to be free from his fears, Jaebum opens his mouth and sings.

 

 

 

Jaebum ignores Jackson’s text for the hundredth time as he just switches his phone off for good. He doesn’t want to promote and he doesn’t want any interviews. How many times has he said that?

Jaebum heads out of the subway station and makes his way to the Cheonggyecheon. He doesn’t have anything to do at the moment and staying at the company was a bit stifling.

Everyone knew who he was now. He’s not Defsoul who composed for all the top artists these days but rather Im Jaebum who sang _1:31 A.M._ and was now the most played song on the radio this season. It didn’t help that top idol Choi Youngjae took part in helping him arrange it. It only made the song more popular.

After that night recording the song, Jackson and Youngjae were left speechless. They tried to convince Jaebum to release it. And after a few weeks of constant badgering, Jaebum finally gave in.

Although he did make them promise that there would be no music videos, no live performances and no promotional activities afterwards. It would be just a plain song released to radio stations.

But 1:31 A.M. was nothing but plain. It was a song Jaebum held close to him, something that reminded him of a lost love, and though it was a personal song, to be able to share it to the world felt kind of liberating.

He never regretted the decision to release the song. But he does regret letting Jackson handle him now with all these pleas to at least do a radio interview.

Jaebum finds a spot as he sits on the stairs watching kids hop across the water. He’d write songs here at night. He wrote one of Youngjae’s old songs here too. 

Someone is humming 1:31 A.M. in the background and Jaebum smiles to himself as he listens. He’s never going to get used to people singing his songs. Youngjae suggested making another one. And Jaebum didn’t hold back from agreeing to do it again. 

Jaebum leaves when the sun is almost setting. He’ll drop by the studio so Jackson doesn’t throw a fit for ignoring all his calls. 

He stands up to leave and his breath catches in his throat when he turns and sees who has been humming his song.

He hasn’t seen him in so long and he hadn’t really expected he’d see him again. Jaebum stares at him, sitting by the side of the stairs with a pad in hand as he sketches something on it. He looks just the same, but still beautiful and handsome as he last remembered him to be. That, Jaebum thinks, will never change. 

Jinyoung looks up, probably noticing someone is staring at him. His eyes catch Jaebum’s and for a moment, something passes between them. He looks surprised. He doesn’t look horrified nor does he look like he wants to run away, like Jaebum always expected him to do when they’d meet again. Rather, he sits there, looking up at him, like he’s been waiting for Jaebum his whole life.

And then, Jinyoung smiles.

Jaebum feels his chest constrict at that. He looks relieved to see him and Jaebum wants to hold on to that thought that he actually does.

“It’s been a long time.” Jinyoung says. The sun is setting and it’s getting dark. People around them are preparing to leave. But Jaebum doesn’t feel like the day is ending for him at all.

“It is.” Jaebum breathes the words out, suddenly afraid that if he so much as speak any louder, Jinyoung might disappear.

“You finally found me.” Jinyoung replies and Jaebum doesn’t understand why he said that.

“Were you… Waiting this whole time?”

Jaebum waits for his answer, half hoping and dreading it for several reasons.

Jinyoung nods.

“You could say that.”

Jaebum knows he realized things too late. Jinyoung had been waiting all along. And now that Jaebum isn’t scared anymore, they might just have a chance to go back to the way things had been.

And God does Jaebum want them back again.

“I”m sorry it took so long.” Jaebum apologizes. _I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for realizing things too late. I’m sorry it took me this long to see you again._

“Hyung,” Jinyoung answers, and Jaebum’s eyes glisten around the corners as he hears Jinyoung call him hyung again. “I would wait forever for you to realize it.”

Jaebum’s heart hurts. But this time, it doesn’t hurt in yearning. This time, it hurts because it’s suddenly filled with so much.

“I’m sorry.” Jaebum apologizes one more time, still not believing Jinyoung is here and forgiving him. Jinyoung smiles as he too blinks back tears.

“You’re here now.” He says, like that’s the only thing that matters. 

Jaebum holds his gaze and basks in that smile.

Behind him, someone is humming 1:31 A.M. Jaebum turns and sees a random woman passing by, listening to his song with her earphones on.

“It’s sad. Beautiful, but sad.” Jinyoung says as they both hear it. “I like it.”

Jaebum smiles at him in reply. _It was for you._

Jaebum motions to the artwork Jinyoung was sketching.

“How much would it be if I asked for a painting of myself?”

“Not much.” Jinyoung closes his sketchpad and stands up. “Just probably a cup of coffee.”

Jaebum can’t stop smiling at that.

They head out of there and head to the nearest coffee shop for that coffee. All the while, Jaebum thinks how far they’ve both gone just to meet each other again.

Jaebum finally found Jinyoung. And he’ll be damned if he’ll ever let him go.

**Author's Note:**

> \- Thank you to Jjaenyoung's video. It was such a beautiful Mayday edit that led to this.  
> \- There are some inaccuracies??? I would like to apologize for them now. Like, I don't know who actually composed 1:31 A.M. just that I know Youngjae and Jaebum worked on it together. Other typos, pls forgive me. It is 1 A.M. here.  
> \- The Cheonggyecheon is beautiful.


End file.
